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This resource page is for the parents, guardians, caretakers, and family members of LGBTQ+ or questioning youth. Scroll down to see our complete list of resources. If you’d like the chance to talk to other parents and caregivers of LGBTQ+ youth, as well as LGBTQ+ parents, consider joining our UParent support group. More information is available here.
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How to Be an Ally: General Resources
It’s wonderful that you want to be an ally to the LGBTQ+ people in your life! Allies help to make the world a safer place for everyone. Scroll down to see more resources, but keep these four tenets of allyship in mind:
General Resources for Allies:
Resources on Pronouns:
In elementary school, we’re taught about the different parts of speech: nouns, verbs, adjectives, etc. Pronouns are another part of speech, and personal pronouns — words that are used in place of a person’s name — are what we’re discussing in this section.
- Allyship requires action. Being an ally isn’t just about believing that LGBTQ+ people should be able to live safe, fulfilling lives; it’s about acting on those beliefs. This means learning to use trans people’s pronouns correctly, vocally standing up for LGBTQ+ people in your daily life, and supporting legislation and social change that respects LGBTQ+ dignity. LGBTQ+ people should be able to recognize you as an ally by your actions; this is how you can materially improve life for this community.
- Allyship is intersectional. The LGBTQ+ community is a diverse one. Supporting LGBTQ+ people means supporting people of color, disabled people, people from cultures outside your own, people who speak different languages, people of all shapes and sizes, people of all ages, and people whose religious and political beliefs are different from yours. You may disagree on a fundamental level with some LGBTQ+ people on subjects that matter to you. Being an ally means recognizing that the rights and acceptance that LGBTQ+ people are fighting for go beyond those differences. These are human rights.
- Allyship is educated. To be a good ally, it’s important to have up-to-date info about the state of the LGBTQ+ community. This means following the news and knowing about the laws that affect LGBTQ+ people in your area. It means knowing which terms are hurtful and which are affirming. If you’re a doctor, it can mean reading recent studies about medical transition. Staying educated also means being aware of the LGBTQ+ people in your life: Are their basic needs provided for? Are you using the right name and pronouns?
- Allyship is a responsibility. When someone who presents themself as an ally doesn’t live up to these standards and lets down an LGBTQ+ person who trusted them, it may not only impact the relationship between the two; it can also make the LGBTQ+ person less likely to reach out for help and support in other areas of their life, fearing similar disappointment. For this reason, it’s important that allies embrace their privilege and do their best to support LGBTQ+ people whenever they’re given the opportunity.
General Resources for Allies:
- UP provides trainings for local schools, medical facilities, companies, churches, and other community organizations. If you think a group that you belong to would benefit from a training (most do, as we’ve found), click the link to reach out to us.
- Supporting and Caring for Our Gender Diverse Youth: Lessons from the Human Rights Campaign’s Youth Survey (This report gives a useful overview of the challenges that young gender-diverse people face, although UP notes that confusing language in the initial survey questions may have excluded some binary trans youth from the study, and the results may therefore not be representative of the entire intended population.)
- Resilience and Transgender Youth from the CDC
- When LGBT Older Adults Come Out by SAGE
- Caregiving in the LGBT Community by SAGE
- Book recommendations for LGBTQ+ youth from GLSEN (useful for stocking your bookshelves!)
- Allyship advice for people of faith from PFLAG
Resources on Pronouns:
In elementary school, we’re taught about the different parts of speech: nouns, verbs, adjectives, etc. Pronouns are another part of speech, and personal pronouns — words that are used in place of a person’s name — are what we’re discussing in this section.
- Personal pronouns are often a part of gender expression. They provide a way for others to affirm someone’s gender in casual speech. For example, many women use the pronoun “she”, and if you were to refer to one of these women as “he”, it might be taken as an insult. This is just as true for transgender people as it is for cisgender people (those who identify with the gender assigned to them at birth).
- People may ask you to use pronouns for them that you aren’t familiar with. Some common alternatives to he/him and she/her pronouns are they/them, it/its, and ze/hir. You can learn more about these pronoun sets by clicking the links. You’re also welcome to reach out to us at [email protected], and we can connect you with more information about other sets. However, it is always polite to ask someone how to use their pronouns if you aren’t sure.
- People may ask you to use more than one set of pronouns for them. For example: Hello, my name is Monty, and I use he/they pronouns. This means that you could say “He went to the store” or “They went to the store” — both would be correct. I like it when people mix both into conversations, but some people who use more than one pronoun prefer that people pick one and use it consistently in a conversation, or they may not have a strong preference at all. If you’re not sure, it’s always polite to ask.
- Although many trans and nonbinary people change their pronouns, not everyone who changes their pronouns identifies as transgender or nonbinary. Think of it like wearing the color pink — pink is associated with women and femininity, but wearing pink doesn’t necessarily make you a woman. Anyone can use whatever pronouns make them happy — and that includes you.
- Even if it seems challenging at first, no matter your age and background, you can learn to use people’s pronouns correctly. Try this online practice tool or reach out to [email protected] for more help. When practicing, we recommend picturing the person in your mind or looking at a photo of them. This helps strengthen the association between the person’s appearance and their pronouns.
- If you make a mistake and catch it yourself, quickly apologize and move on with the correct language. Mistakes are a natural part of learning, and the most important thing is change your speech going forwards.
- If you make a mistake and someone else points it out to you, thank the person, quickly apologize to the person you used the wrong pronouns for, and move on with the correct language. A correction like this should be taken as a compliment, because it shows that the person trusts you, respects you, and knows that you want to use the right language.
- A great way to show solidarity is to share your own pronouns. You can do this when you meet someone, in your email signature, or on a business card. Normalizing these practices as an ally helps keep LGBTQ+ people safe, as it breaks down the assumption that all people who share their pronouns are LGBTQ+.
LGBTQ+ Identities & Pronoun Sets
Young people may use a wide variety of terms to describe their sexual orientation, romantic orientation, and gender. It’s easy to worry that these labels are boxing children in, but most LGBTQ+ people don’t see labels this way. These words are intended to be a shorthand for shared feelings and experiences in the community, not a set of rules. The most likely scenario is that, if your child comes out with one of more of these labels, they’re using these labels as a communication tool. Words like “non-binary” or “aromantic” give you a starting place to look up information on your own and find out more about your child’s inner world. Below are links to resources about some common LGBTQ+ identities. The resources below without a source listed are from My Kid is Gay, a fantastic online resource for the parents and caretakers of LGBTQ+ youth. We highly recommend browsing their article selection to find more answers to questions you may have. If you don’t see the term you’re looking for here, you’re always welcome to reach out to [email protected], and we can help you find what you need.
Your child may also come out to express that they’d like to start using a new set (or sets) of pronouns. Pronouns are a part of gender expression (that is, the way someone navigates all the gendered parts of presentation in society, from personal grooming to clothing to mannerisms), but none of them necessarily correlate to a specific gender. If your child comes out without giving you a label, it may be because they aren’t sure about their gender yet, or because they prefer not to label it.
You’re familiar with he/him and she/her pronouns, but there are many other pronoun sets that people (not just young people, but people of all ages) may prefer to have used for them. Sometimes, these are referred to as “neopronouns”. You can learn more about some common pronoun sets in the links below. There are many other sets in use, including xe/xem, fae/faer, and e(y)/em. If you’re not sure how to use a certain pronoun set when your child comes out, it’s always okay to ask! You may feel some resistance to using these pronouns— they may feel ungrammatical or incorrect. However, grammar is only a record of the way words are used, and the reality is that many people use these pronouns every day without issue. No one comes out of the womb knowing how to use these pronoun sets, or any pronouns at all, for that matter. For all of us who use one or more of these sets fluently, that skill was earned with practice. For pronoun practice resources, check the section titled “How to Be an Ally”.
- Defining Questioning
- Defining Transgender (this is often shortened to “trans”)
- Trans and Intersex Solidarity Kit by National Center for Transgender Equality
- Defining Non-Binary (this term is sometimes shortened to “enby”)
- Defining Gender Nonconforming (this term is sometimes abbreviated “GNC”)
- Defining Queer
- Defining Gay & Lesbian
- What is Bisexuality? by the Bisexual Resource Center
- Defining Pansexuality
- What It Means When Your Teen Says They're Asexual and How to Support Them from Parents
- What it’s like to be young and aromantic by Fettle
Your child may also come out to express that they’d like to start using a new set (or sets) of pronouns. Pronouns are a part of gender expression (that is, the way someone navigates all the gendered parts of presentation in society, from personal grooming to clothing to mannerisms), but none of them necessarily correlate to a specific gender. If your child comes out without giving you a label, it may be because they aren’t sure about their gender yet, or because they prefer not to label it.
You’re familiar with he/him and she/her pronouns, but there are many other pronoun sets that people (not just young people, but people of all ages) may prefer to have used for them. Sometimes, these are referred to as “neopronouns”. You can learn more about some common pronoun sets in the links below. There are many other sets in use, including xe/xem, fae/faer, and e(y)/em. If you’re not sure how to use a certain pronoun set when your child comes out, it’s always okay to ask! You may feel some resistance to using these pronouns— they may feel ungrammatical or incorrect. However, grammar is only a record of the way words are used, and the reality is that many people use these pronouns every day without issue. No one comes out of the womb knowing how to use these pronoun sets, or any pronouns at all, for that matter. For all of us who use one or more of these sets fluently, that skill was earned with practice. For pronoun practice resources, check the section titled “How to Be an Ally”.
What to Do When My Child Comes Out as LGBTQ+
First, know that when your child comes out, this comes from a place of love and trust, no matter how nervous they are to tell you.
You may be scared about how this will affect your child’s future prospects— what will their relationships look like? Will they have a hard time getting a job, or housing? Illinois has laws in place that help prevent this kind of discrimination, and being LGBTQ+ will not prevent your child from experiencing love and fulfillment in their life.
In the period after coming out, it’s important for your child to know that your anxieties about their treatment by others will always be surpassed by your love and support for them. This way, if they do struggle, they know that they can come to you for help. These anxieties can be particularly strong for Black families, and we recommend this article by a Black father who balances his fear with pride in his child’s bravery and resilience.
Another important thing to keep in mind is that nothing “causes” a child to be LGBTQ+— not trauma, not abuse, and not divorce. These stereotypes come from the assumption that being LGBTQ+ is a negative thing, and so it must have been caused by a negative experience. This simply isn’t the case. Your child’s gender and sexuality are not your responsibility; they are innate to your child. Even if your child did not always show signs of being LGBTQ+, it’s important to recognize that changes in gender and sexuality can be a natural part of the way that your child grows and changes throughout their life.
You can find more helpful information below. The resources without a source listed are from My Kid is Gay, a fantastic online resource for the parents and caretakers of LGBTQ+ youth. We highly recommend browsing their article selection to find more answers to questions you may have.
You may be scared about how this will affect your child’s future prospects— what will their relationships look like? Will they have a hard time getting a job, or housing? Illinois has laws in place that help prevent this kind of discrimination, and being LGBTQ+ will not prevent your child from experiencing love and fulfillment in their life.
In the period after coming out, it’s important for your child to know that your anxieties about their treatment by others will always be surpassed by your love and support for them. This way, if they do struggle, they know that they can come to you for help. These anxieties can be particularly strong for Black families, and we recommend this article by a Black father who balances his fear with pride in his child’s bravery and resilience.
Another important thing to keep in mind is that nothing “causes” a child to be LGBTQ+— not trauma, not abuse, and not divorce. These stereotypes come from the assumption that being LGBTQ+ is a negative thing, and so it must have been caused by a negative experience. This simply isn’t the case. Your child’s gender and sexuality are not your responsibility; they are innate to your child. Even if your child did not always show signs of being LGBTQ+, it’s important to recognize that changes in gender and sexuality can be a natural part of the way that your child grows and changes throughout their life.
You can find more helpful information below. The resources without a source listed are from My Kid is Gay, a fantastic online resource for the parents and caretakers of LGBTQ+ youth. We highly recommend browsing their article selection to find more answers to questions you may have.
- Ways To Support Someone Who’s Changing Their Name & Pronouns
- Guide for families of bi+ youth from the Bisexual Resource Center
- What It Means When Your Teen Says They're Asexual and How to Support Them from Parents
- Christianity & Parenting Trans Kids
- Christianity & Parenting Gay/Lesbian Kids
- Coming Out Advice for Muslim Families
- Supporting Your LGBTQ+ Grandchild by PFLAG (available in Spanish)
- UP resources to share with teachers
- UP resources to share with healthcare providers
Extra Resources for Parents of Trans Youth
For Parents of Young Gender Non-Conforming Children:
For Parents of School-Age Children:
For All Parents:
For Parents of Trans Children Who Want to Go on HRT:
Hormone replacement therapy (HRT), also known simply as hormone therapy (HT) uses medication to change a patient’s hormone levels. Generally, patients who are assigned female at birth take testosterone, and patients who are assigned male at birth take estrogen and an anti-androgen. HRT can change many physical characteristics, and studies have found that these changes increase quality of life, decrease depression, and decrease anxiety for transgender people. Testimony from trans people often cites HRT as life-saving. While we know that watching your child go through changes you never expected them to may be scary, we hope that, if your child is expressing a desire to start HRT, you will consider these resources.
For children who have not yet started puberty or are currently going through puberty, we recommend talking to your child’s doctor about puberty blockers. This treatment gives your family more time to explore transition options, while preventing your child from undergoing many of the bodily changes that come with puberty. These changes may be unwanted, and some can only be corrected with surgery later in life.
For older children, you may find (as many adult trans people do) that primary care doctors are sometimes uninformed about how to guide a patient through the HRT process. This resource will be useful in informing yourself so that you can better advocate for your child’s needs and ensure their wellbeing: Guidelines for Gender-Affirming Primary Care with Trans and Non-Binary Patients by Sherbourne Health and Rainbow Health Ontario.
Uniting Pride also has a resource page for healthcare providers. If you think this may help them, consider sharing it with your child’s doctor.
- Supporting and Caring for Transgender Children by Human Rights Campaign (particularly geared towards identifying behavior that may indicate a need for a social transition in very young children who may not yet have the language to “come out” as trans)
- Gender Development Program by Children’s National
- How to create a safe folder from Trans Youth Family Allies
For Parents of School-Age Children:
- A Parent’s Quick Guide for In-School Transitions by Human Rights Campaign
- Your child’s rights at school from the National Center for Transgender Equality
- Our Trans Loved Ones: Questions and Answers for Parents, Families, and Friends of People who Are Transgender and Gender Expansive by PFLAG
For All Parents:
- Stand With Trans (non-profit organization with additional resources)
- The Trevor Project (non-profit organization that supports LGBTQ+ youth, with resources intended for young people and 24/7 crisis support)
For Parents of Trans Children Who Want to Go on HRT:
Hormone replacement therapy (HRT), also known simply as hormone therapy (HT) uses medication to change a patient’s hormone levels. Generally, patients who are assigned female at birth take testosterone, and patients who are assigned male at birth take estrogen and an anti-androgen. HRT can change many physical characteristics, and studies have found that these changes increase quality of life, decrease depression, and decrease anxiety for transgender people. Testimony from trans people often cites HRT as life-saving. While we know that watching your child go through changes you never expected them to may be scary, we hope that, if your child is expressing a desire to start HRT, you will consider these resources.
For children who have not yet started puberty or are currently going through puberty, we recommend talking to your child’s doctor about puberty blockers. This treatment gives your family more time to explore transition options, while preventing your child from undergoing many of the bodily changes that come with puberty. These changes may be unwanted, and some can only be corrected with surgery later in life.
For older children, you may find (as many adult trans people do) that primary care doctors are sometimes uninformed about how to guide a patient through the HRT process. This resource will be useful in informing yourself so that you can better advocate for your child’s needs and ensure their wellbeing: Guidelines for Gender-Affirming Primary Care with Trans and Non-Binary Patients by Sherbourne Health and Rainbow Health Ontario.
Uniting Pride also has a resource page for healthcare providers. If you think this may help them, consider sharing it with your child’s doctor.
Talking About Health & Wellness
A child coming out may change the way you approach topics related to their health and wellbeing. The articles linked below may help you with some of these topics. Most of them are from My Kid is Gay, a digital resource for parents seeking to better understand their LGBTQ+ children. We highly recommend browsing their website for additional resources. You’re welcome to reach out to [email protected] for more information as well.
- Tips For Talking To Your LGBTQ Child About Sexual Health
- Sexual Health Education for Young People with Disabilities by Advocates for Youth
- Talking about menstruation with a trans or nonbinary child
- How Can I Talk to My Child About Consent?
- Handling Sleepovers
- Tips and Resources for Parents of LGBTQ+ Youth
This resource collection is a living document. If you find that any of these resources are outdated, or if you know of an additional resource that may benefit this collection, please reach out to [email protected]